chanandmon4ever

My Life is a

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 01:03:09 GMT

Nightmare!!!!!!! I want to know when it will end!! All I get is grief!! I get yelled at, screamed at and picked on!! I can do nothing right I am just a fuck up in everyone's eyes! I hate the new tiny apartment we have to live in all I want is my own fucking place!! Melanie and I deserve that much! I mean how could I even begin to think of a boyfriend living like this! I'm trying to find a job so we can move out of here. My only other wish is for that handsome, sexy prince to come and rescue me..take in his big strong muscular arms and hold me tight and just let me cry he'd hug me tighter and tell me it will all be okay that he was there and that he loved me. But how in the hell can that ever happen when I can't even meet this prince!!!

MY LIFE SUCKS ITS A NIGHTMARE THAT WON'T END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well

Sat, 11 Jul 2009 03:52:27 GMT

today has been okay I guess. Packages came in the mail which is always fun. No doggies today but I will see them tomorrow. SO its been a pretty boring day. Of course the one thing that's usually on my mind is of course still on my mind and I think it always will be. Like I said all these feelings they're so new to me I've never been in love before, sure I've had crushes before but never love. This is very much love. I ache for this guy so badly. I want to be his and want him to be mine, but he doesn't even know I'm alive. We live far apart in different states and I guess you could say my only real connection to him is.... well is twitter. His updates always make me smile no matter how small or mediocre they may be. Sure he's never actually tweeted me but each new update makes my heart flutter and makes me feel a tiny bit closer to him. I wonder what he would say if he knew he had this affect on me? Would he even care? All I want is a sign, a clear cut sign that I will at least get to meet this guy. Right now even a tweet from him would make me so very happy. I just wish I knew what to do, how to handle this because....I LOVE HIM SO MUCH IT HURTS!!!!!! HE'S EVERYTHING I WILL EVER EVER WANT, EVERYTHING I WILL EVER NEED!!!

I HATE

Mon, 06 Jul 2009 22:48:55 GMT

MY LIFE!!! I feel like nobody gives a fuck about me or understands anything I am going through or feeling. I was actually dumb enough to think I was talking to the guy I love and want more than anything online but it was just some shit head jerk playing games with people's feelings. I don't really have anything in my life. This guy who doesn't even know I exist is all I really have I know its sad and pathetic but its true. People want me to understand them, give them compassion but where is my compassion and understanding this is all very hard for me. I love this guy so much it hurts and it made me feel special to think he had not only talked to me but added me to his MSN but I should have known better the real guy would never talk to a loser like me.

Why oh Why

Mon, 06 Jul 2009 01:23:20 GMT

Does love feel this way?? Some days its a great feeling while other days it hurts so bad. My feelings for this guy are so strong I have the desire to be as close to him as possible. He fills my thoughts and dreams ..(I actually had a dream about him last night, he was so sweet and there was love, romance and Sex.) I need this man so badly...my heart and arms ache for him. This man has no idea I am even alive. I am in no way good enough for him. I'm fat,dumb, ugly and sometimes I feel like nothing more than pure white trash like I have no class. What would this perfect, sweet,caring,athletic,talented and very sexy man see in me?? I just can't stop these feelings..I LOVE HIM SO MUCH IT HURTS!!!!!

What do I

Tue, 16 Jun 2009 03:57:57 GMT

Do? I have all these feelings for this guy. I know in my heart what I feel. i know its love. Some people may think its obsession but its not. I truly am deeply in love with him. I have never felt this way about anyone its a new feeling for me and I don't know what to do.Sometimes feel great about it while other times it scares the crap out of me. Every time I think of this guy my heart pounds, I shake and get sweaty. He's all I think about every minute of every day. All I want is to be with him, to have him ,love me as much as I love him. lets just say this...LOVE SUCKS!!!!

I'm so

Mon, 15 Jun 2009 00:43:40 GMT

messed up right now. Let me start by saying LOVE STINKS!! What do you do when you're so in love with a guy that you eat at places he likes, you cheer for his favorite sports teams(even wearing team shirts), want to learn how to play the sport he loves to play, buy a book just because its about his favorite tv show, buy t-shits with the state/city/country he's from on them, watch a movie because he loves it. I am so desperately head over hills in love I have done all of the above. I guess all I can do is admire him fro ma far and hope that someday I can admire him fro ma near.

Frustration

Tue, 09 Jun 2009 22:40:38 GMT

Is all I ever seem to have. My life SUCKS!! I only want one thing.. I want him...I want him to love me and want me the way I love and want him. I want to be his wife and mother of his children. Hoe do I deal with all these feelings inside me. All I do is think about him, I cry because I can't be with him...because he doesn't even know I exist and even if he did he'd never want me I'm nothing but a fat, ugly, boring, poor piece of white trash. I don't know what to do??? all I know is that I LOVE HIM!!

Will anything ever

Mon, 18 May 2009 23:43:29 GMT

Go right??? I hate my life so much. I see my friends doing great things like getting their own house and stuff and I want to know why at 37 do I have SHIT!! My life has always been shit...I'm still tired from yesterday( Volunteered at the American Cancer Society Walk and Roll)..Why doesn't anyone listen to me...I felt invisible all my life and still do :( I may be a bitch at times but I care about the people in my life all I want is for them to be happy and understand that what I say is to try and help them archive that happiness ...I mean I know I will never have my happiness :( So I try to make everyone else happy. What I want is to have that one Guy I love more than anything as my husband so I can give him all this love I have, so I can take care of him ..cooking his meals, doing his laundry, cleaning the house, going grocery shopping. I want to have two babies a little boy that looks like him and a little girl who'd so be a daddy's girl. want my belly to grow I want to feel our baby kick...I want labor and delivery with him in the room holding my hand telling to breath. I want to change diapers, get up at 2 am to breast feed while he watches adoringly. I want to be a little league mom, I want to be on the PTA, I want to bake for my kids bake sales, I want to take my kids to tennis lessons, or ballet lessons. I want to watch them in the school play my husband and I beaming with pride.I want to host holidays and birthdays, go on family vacations. Tell my husband and kids to turn off the video games and wash up for dinner. Watch my husband play with the kids in the back yard or the pool. I want to spend romantic nights with my husband walking hand in hand on the beach at sunset,sharing a candle light dinner or bubble bath, or just cuddling on the couch together watching tv. God I'm so in love and i don't know what to do about it...Everything i just wrote is the life I want with this incredibility amazing, sweet, athletic, talented, sensitive, dreamy, talented, sexy guy who doesn't even know I exist......what does one hopelessly in love girl suppose to do?????

Grrrrrr!!!!!!

Fri, 15 May 2009 03:11:49 GMT

Why does my life suck!!! All I want is one little twitter! I know I'm probably being a first class postal loser and an immature idiot like that dumb bitch on FC said. Why would he twitter such a fucking loser! How is it that a guy can have some much power over you and not even know it? Its driving me crazy!! How do I handle all these feelings and emotions??

My Life

Tue, 05 May 2009 22:01:57 GMT

SUCKS!!!!!! I'm nothing but a fat stupid ugly failure...a good for nothing piece of white trash. I want things to be different but because of my rotten childhood and the awful things that happened to me I don't know how to change things. I have a fear of men and strangers...(some of you who read my "special" stories probably can't believe that.) My job sucks I make a very small amount there and only work one fucking day a week but I feel safe there my sister and a friend of mine both work there. I did have another job years ago at Dominicks it was very hard for me to be there among all those strangers everyday. I had to take a leave of absence from that job when my mom had her stroke I went back once she was better only to find out my department (or so they claimed) was eliminated so I was laid off. If I could have my dream life I would be happily married to the man of my dreams ...yes the blue eyed Canadian....We'd have a few kids ..one little boy and one little girl. I'd be someone's wife and someone's mother. But who in the fuck am I kidding my dream guy would never even look at me he'd see me and take off running the other direction. Like I said I am worthless and good for nothing. Plus people are STILL bragging..JUST SHUT UP ALREADY! I'm sorry if I sound bitter but this is all very hard for me all the girls did in Junior High was brag and make fun of me because I had nothing, no fancy clothes, shoes, purses or houses like all those bitches did. SO yes I am a bit bitter I mean all I want is a sign , something telling me everything will be okay that everything will be worth it and I will get twittered by him and get to meet him because that's all I really want right now :(

Why Me

Mon, 04 May 2009 21:39:46 GMT

Why does it seem nothing good or exciting ever happens for me and all I get is people bragging and telling me about all the good stuff that happens to them. Its so hard to hear especially if what the good thing is exactly the same good thing I want to happen. I had a great day at the zoo with my bff yesterday which I needed since yesterday would have been Antonio's 3rd birthday I still miss him so much and when I get home the first thing I hear is how the the guy I like has talked/twittered my friends. I said I hated them and that they were bitches. It just wasn't what I wanted to hear. Yesterday being Antonio's birthday was hard enough for me and does anyone realize how much having that guy talk to or twitter me yesterday would have meant to me, how much better it would have made me feel with what the day was :( but of course it didn't happen I just can't handle this anymore it almost makes me want to delete my twitter. I just don't know what to do :( sigh

Well I'm

Wed, 29 Apr 2009 03:03:25 GMT

bored and kinda depressed again. Why is it when you really want something to happen it never does? Like if you want to meet someone, or have someone twitter you, or waiting for a call or a package in the mail. Right now I'm listening to stupid sappy love songs with tears in my eyes. Let me just say love isn't great it...SUCKS!!!!!

Today has been

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 22:52:34 GMT

A better day I don't feel as down as I have been but i still don't feel perfect. The weather is warm but I think its going to rain. I watched Scrubs ...My Unicorn earlier...anyone know why that is my favorite episode of Scrubs? LOL and we're having the Joey special for dinner tonight....two pizzas baby! LOL

I don't know what's

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 22:21:42 GMT

real anymore. I am so confused and frustrated. Sometimes I feel like its not even worth trying to find out what's real. Once again I feel so down and so alone :( Why can't anything ever be easy? Sigh....I feel so lost right now ...how do I find my way in this fucked up world??

Horrible!!

Tue, 21 Apr 2009 21:01:14 GMT

That describes today. I swear my life sucks! My mother yells at me constantly and all I have to say is I am an adult but no one ever listens to me. I feel like the world is against me, like no one cares if I'm here or not. I feel unwanted, unloved and unappreciated most of the time. Nobody understands me or my feelings. I just don't know what to do anymore..it seems like the universe, God or who ever HATES me. My life has been hell since I was a kid...Once we lost our beautiful home in the suburbs when I was 10 everything changed. We lived in some awful places like our car, a one room apartment and there were 4 of us and my grandmother's basement where I was around a drunk step grandfather and a drunk perverted friend of his and a crazy step uncle and lets just say bad things happened to me there.My childhood was hell I never had any friends i got tormented for not having nice clothes or shoes by all the snotty bratty spoiled girls. Then we move to the city where things actually got better I met Granny (she was my adopted lil sis's grandma) she was awesome we watched ER and Renegade together she lusted after George Clooney and Lorenzo Lamas, we went shopping and fishing plus I stayed over at her house alot but then she got cancer and I lost her. I soon made another friend she was awesome too until she got a boyfriend and we moved yet again she never had time for me ...I know I have 3 nephews and a niece but they are all getting older two of them are teenagers and they don't want to hang out with their aunt anymore like when they were kids. So I was glad Antonio came along I love babies and he was my everything but then he was taken away from me so suddenly. That baby was more than a nephew to me he like a son and no one let me grieve properly they kept saying be strong for your sister just move on, forget it and get over it but I don't want to forget him I love and miss him so much. I am such an emotional wreak. My heart aching for a certain someone just adds to it. All I want to know is when will some good things happen to me or am I just a worthless, stupid fat ugly piece of white trash like people have told me I was??? UGH WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME I AM AN EMOTIONAL MESSED UP FREAK !!!!

I just don't know

Tue, 21 Apr 2009 01:40:07 GMT

what to do anymore. I have been so very emotional lately. I cry all the time and have bad mood swings snapping on people all the time...I swear if I had a boyfriend I'd think I was pregnant. So the question still remains ...what the hell is wrong with me...and another question what do you do when your heart aches so badly for a certain someone...when all you can think about is him and the kind of life you would have if he loved you too. Ugh Could I BE more fucked up! LOL but on a lighter note....17 AGAIN ROCKS!!!!

Ugh life can be a bitch!

Mon, 13 Apr 2009 23:31:48 GMT

Well first of all today is a yucky rainy day!! Second don't you hate people who are always depressed especially when you're depressed enough as it is. Everyone has problems. I want to meet Matthew Perry so badly and a few weeks back my bff and I met David Schwimmer it was really amazing and David was so sweet but he's not Matthew. My bff loves David and I guess sometimes I feel a little jealous that I haven't met Matthew and it doesn't help to hear when other people have. All I want is my chance to meet him he is a good looking, talented amazing actor who I admire so much. Okay am I as bad as those people I was just complaining about?I guess I am more down than usual because in two weeks it would have been my baby nephew Antonio's 3rd birthday. I still miss him so much sometimes.

n a lighter note I will be going to the movies this weekend to see 17 Again......I LOVE YOU MATTHEW!!!

Wow its been ages....

Sun, 22 Mar 2009 22:17:42 GMT

since I posted here. Well things have been good and bad.

First of all my beautiful little nephew Antonio passed away two years ago this August :( It was sudden and unexpected he had a heart condition we were never made aware of. Even though its been nearly 2 years I still miss him so very much , I know he is and always will be in my heart and my lil baby guardian angel smiling down on me from heaven.

In other news my 15 year old niece Dana officially has her driving permit..scary!! LOL

Next month 17 Again comes to theaters!! Forget Zac Efron I'm seeing it for my baby!! MATTHEW PERRY!!! Here's the poster but...Where the hell is Matthew!! LOL

and last but not least!! On march 19,2009 my bff Melanie and I went to see 'Our Town" at Lookingglass Theatre here in Chicago and after the play we went to the Underground a club here in Chicago where we partied with the cast and one cast member who played George Gibbs was very familiar...DAVID SCHWIMMER!!! He is lie the sweetest guy! We got to talk to him for like 15 minutes we talked about 'Our Town' and the other plays we'd seen at his theatre and I told him about Antonio and how before he passed away he liked to dance to 'I like to move it, move it from Madagascar and the Friends theme and he said "Aww I'm so sorry about your nephew" then we got to take a picture with him and he put his arms around us!! Later that night he was moving through the crowd and he put his hand on my shoulder and said excuse me and then another time I looked over at him and he smiled at me! Plus he signed both of our playbills and so did his best friend Joey Slotnick who played the STage Manager in 'Our Town' it was such an amazing night! When we left it was like 1 in the morning and we were walking down the streets of Downtown Chicago filled with happiness (and Pomegranate Martinis lol) singing I'll Be There for You at the top of our lungs! Ahhh what a night it was!!!!!!!!

Hello!

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 00:54:09 GMT

Hi all! I know its been a long time since I wrote. Not much has happened. Its freezing in April which sucks. My nephew Antonio will be a year old in 3 weeks I can't believe how fast he grew! Studio 60 has yet to return which sucks. Matthew Perry is so hot. I'm in a good mood today! A few of my icons won in the icon contest at the wonderful Imagining Matthew Forum http://www.imaginingmatthew.com/forum/index.php?act=idx. Come check it out its the best place to be if you love Matthew Perry as much as I do :)Right now I am chatting with my girls Lizzy, Allie and Jayne! They are Matty lovers too hehe.

My cutie 11 month old nephew Antonio

Team Perry baby!!!!

The man of my dreams my hubby (I wish) Mr sexy himself Matthew Perry!!

I can't believe he lost :(

Tue, 16 Jan 2007 02:57:03 GMT

I'm so depressed and ticked off right now!! Matthew Perry didn't win the Golden Globe. He was f**king robbed!! How could he not win he's so hot, sexy and talented!! UGH!! Dumb ass Hollywood whoevers that choose the winners suck!!!!!!!! Well at least I have my girls Lizzy, Marie and Allie cheering me up. I wish I could be cheering up Matty right now hehe

Hello All

Tue, 06 Jun 2006 23:43:03 GMT

Things have been pretty good. My lil nephew is now a month old he's getting so big! Also I got Joey season 1 on dvd the other day!

Here's a few Mondler animations I made!

Its been

Sat, 27 May 2006 02:52:10 GMT

3 weeks since my newest nephew was born. Antonio is so cute and so spoiled! He makes me want a baby! Hey Matty wanna be the daddy! In my dirty little dreams Look at him He's just so damn sexy!!

Here's a few animated Avatars and one animated banner I made

Its A Boy!!!

Fri, 05 May 2006 00:26:06 GMT

Hi everybody I have to share the news!! My baby nephew came into the world last night at 7:52 pm!! He's happy, healthy and soooo cute!!

Heya

Sat, 15 Apr 2006 02:17:07 GMT

Wow its been awhile since I updated my journal! All is going well my lil sis is due 4 weeks from today! My new nephew's name will be Antonio Terrell Ray. I can't wait for him to be born! Well its finally warm here in Chicago but wouldn't you know as soon as the warmth hits I come down with a cold! I could use some TLC from a certian hunky Friends star! Yep of course I mean Matty! Easter is this weekend my sis and her family are coming overfor dinner which my dad is cooking. I am a little upset! Where is JOEY!! Stupid NBC! Jolex rocks almost as much as Mondler!!

SOME FAN ART I MADE!

I love this pic of Courteney!

Look how YUMMY!!!

Hello Children!

Wed, 01 Mar 2006 01:53:30 GMT

Well great news!! My lil sis found out the sex of the baby!! his name will be Antonio! Also a good friend of mine is coming to visit and I got an I love Chandler shirt!!

Look at him how can you not love him!